Tuesday, May 29, 2007

 

What Not to write in your Leaving Cert English Essay

This was sent to me recently via email and I found it very funny, it almost made me wish I was correctly the leaving cert English papers. Some of the following quotes are pure genius!

Quotes from (real) leaving cert English essays:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame.Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no-one had ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Independent crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

Comments:
Oh, they're fabulous....cheered up my morn no end!
 
Yeah, my favourite one is the one about the star crossed lovers and the freight trains. It's like someone crossed an English Essay with a maths problem. :-)
 
funny shtuff..haha...some of them make absolutely no sense....!..very funny though!!!
 
I'm actually gonna use these! Plagiarizing Rules!
 
Brilliant, I'm an English teacher and I'm going to share these with my Sixth Years as a cautionary tale!
 
lol these are hilarious! plus my mom sees they are about the L.C. or J.C. and she thinks i'm studying!
 
Haha I think these would be perfect for a leaving cert essay. You are encouraged to be origianl afterall!
 
hilarious! they deserve an A seriously... if i was a corrector i'd mark them highly for almost ironic humour
 
Most of these are just direct quotes taken from 'Plato and a Platypus walk into a bar'.
 
I liked this post very much as it has helped me a lot in my research and is quite interesting as well. Thank you for sharing this information with us.

An English Essay On Boys
 
I used loads of these in my mocks and got an A1!
 
"Ballet ... en pointe ... gracefully," all nice, feminine, gentle words. And THEN the author has to describe it with the masculine image of a dog at a lamppost...

The lame duck, who was "hit by a landmine or something" and the "the way a bowling ball wouldn't" literally made me laugh out loud.

Some of the stuff here should win literature awards for comedy!
 
Some of these actually made me laugh out loud, I really can't thank you enough for them! These are going to be shamelessly lifted tomorrow ;)
Good luck, everyone!!
 
Some of these actually made me laugh out loud, I really can't thank you enough for them! These are going to be shamelessly lifted tomorrow ;)
Good luck, everyone!!
 
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