"Why does it seem as though I am the only honest guy on earth?"
"Your type tends not to reproduce."
- Dilbert & Dogbert

"As you gain experience, you'll realise that all logical questions are considered insubordination."
- Dilbert advises Asok the Intern

"There are two kinds of management problems. There's the kind you can solve by yelling and the kind you can solve by buying some sort of software. That's why I created 'Some sort of software that yells'."
"Oooo."
- Dogbert and The Boss

"My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountability. As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me."

"I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!"

"This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work... to maximize synergy, capture and optimize our resource utilization. If any of that sounded like work, I'll do some more of it next week."
- Wally to The Boss

"Why did you add this button to the user interface?"
"You told me to. You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of added value."
"Well, remove that button."
"It's only on your copy."
- The Boss and Dilbert

"I just had a good meeting."
"Maybe it just didn't last long enough to reveal the incompetence of the attendees."
"That's what I call a good meeting."
- Dilbert and Dogbert

"I made a few suggestions."
"I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document."
"Stop acting happy."
- The Pointy-Haired Boss and Dilbert

"You're fired!"
"Gaaa!!!"
"Not really. But now this 2% raise won't seem so bad... This job is all about managing expectations."
- The Boss springs a random act of management on an unsuspecting employee